Your forehead will arrive in 48 hours

Yes, yes, I’ve made up my face the same as others have made up stories. You like it? I like it. The eyebrows imported from Japan. The mouth all the way from Liechtenstein. The eyes I designed myself. The chin with its dimples a present from my girlfriend which was really a present for herself cause all girls I don’t know why like dimples, they think they’re cute. The nose I’m only borrowing for the moment but comes all the way from Saudi Arabia, some sheikh lent it to me. Lots of oil. I can still smell the oil. And the money. Weird. So yeah that’s my face. The rest of me like my legs and arms and all that I’m not sure where they all came from. Hey these studio lights are hotter than usual. I’m burning up. Can somebody bring me some water? I remember when I was maybe 6-years old and my daddy was still alive and he took me to KFC for I can’t remember why I think I might have been sick the week before and he’d promised me so we were sitting there in KFC and I had a different face back then and I was tiny, my feet not touching the floor, dangling above the floor, and my daddy was eating a burger and I was, too. Nothing really special happened, I just remember it, and I always remember it whenever I’m sad, or maybe it’s that I get sad because I remember it… Hey! Where’s that water? Can’t somebody adjust these lights? Turn them down a bit? No? Oh fuck it. So you like the eyebrows? What? The forehead? Well the forehead I ordered off Amazon over a month ago and it only arrived this morning so I’m not used to it yet but it looks alright doesn’t it? Comes from some country I can’t remember the name beside what’s that place? Finland? No, no, not Finland, Ukraine? That’s it, somewhere near Ukraine, some former Prime Minister’s forehead. I like it. Makes me feel clever. These? The ears? Ha! Oh it’s a long story but I’ll try make it short see I really wanted these ears but they were in limited supply like there were only three sets of them in the whole world but they came from some special Buddhist mountainous place so I thought now those ears must be good ears, not floppy, not like lazy you know, but precise like a really good microphone, like that one, yeah. Christ where’s my water? Hey, my water! Jesus who hired these people? But yeah I called the company about the ears and they said, ahem, ahem, sorry sir but they’ve been booked over a year ago. Shit, I said. But I’ve never been one to give up that easily. So I got into a plane and headed straight over to the place. And I herded goats for a month. In a field beside the monastery. Got to know the locals. All that kind of thing. Like the shows you see on TV. And the ears I used to have I cut them off, outside the monastery – yeah I was desperate – but it worked, and the monks came running out, their orange robes flapping in the wind, and saw me bleeding and gave me the special ears. I left the monastery pretty soon after. That’s how I got the ears. Brain I stole from… Ha! Haha! You were about to believe me! That I stole my brain! I had you going there for a second! Ha! No. The brain is mine. The brain is mine.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s